A Suicide Pack: The American Robin Special

Well, the New Year's resolution thing is still bothering me, so I’ve decided to approach it by looking at the negative spaces - kind of like a cut out for a sign painting template. I hereby resolve NOT TO SUICIDE IN 2012. This comes out of a very honest place, and is worth the time for reflection. I have had a lifelong desire for non-existence, and have suffered much personal family tragedy in regards to suicide. So, along the way, and even more recently in fact, have developed my own personal cure. Let’s hope it lasts, and that it might have some value to someone else. However, this is by no means a medically tested prevention method, so take it as it is, a blogger’s way to regenerative therapy and artistic expression.

Please pardon the poor formatting and grammar, but these things are not so important in a reflection such as this. It’s the content and the commitment that count.

Things to Consider Before Your Suicide Exercise:
1) A suicide pact -- Best if made with someone you’ve since broken up with, or someone who died without you. My personal favorites are taking that exploratory, one-way astronaut trip into space, while you send back all this amazing data to NASA on your non-returnable flight to unknown planets. Or, if you can find another willing soul, asphyxiating each other in creative ways.
2) A suicide note -- I like greeting cards; they rock my world! I’ve included some of my own personal recommendations, including the Jane Austen card (best if used after a really bad argument with your lover), the Zebra Bye card, and Bunny Suicides postcards (pack of 19 postcards that you can send to all your best friends before you go). My personal favorite card is the Smoker’s Card.

3) A suicide song or album -- To be played while you get your things in order. I highly recommend Australia’s own Lady of the Sunshine’s “Smoking Gun” album / Best suicide song from that album: “Silver Revolver”
http://www.myspace.com/ladyofthesunshine

4) Props -- Black out curtains, cushy bed with memory foam topper, various and assorted love letters, job termination letters, writer’s rejection letters, IRS tax bills, photographs (whatever makes you sad and lonely), all your bills in an unpaid, disorganized stack; a running total of all the money you’ve spent on self-medicating over the last 10 years minimum (or your best estimate)
5) Accoutrements -- Face it: no one wants to find you dead naked. So, out of respect for those who have to deal with the residuals, I recommend wearing clothes that are ill-fitting -- two sizes too small or too large, in fact. Strip off the makeup. Definitely, don’t brush your teeth. I mean, what’s the point?
6) Method -- The best part of this whole thing is the method. Here are the rules:
a) Leave out the alcohol and the drugs -- and unless you’ve got a doctor’s diagnosis, even the prescription ones. Heck, even if you’ve got a doctor’s diagnosis, leave out the prescription meds. I mean, if you’re going to die, you’re going to do it straightedge, right.
b) No conventional weapons: You must die by the power of your own mind.

The Exercise:
After you've got your things in order, pick a comfortable space to sit/lie/die in. Begin to focus: Bring to mind all the little arguments, insults you’ve received, insults you’ve given, and all those you were saving up for that next confrontation. Acknowledge that degree you never got, the job you hate, the boss who drives you to drink and makes you curse in ways you despise. Acknowledge the ways your child disrespects you, and definitely bring to mind that person you love desperately and forever who doesn’t love you back. Acknowledge all the ways you hate yourself.

Now sit with it. For like, six months at least. A year ought to be long enough to memorize all the details so eventually you can put away the props. If you’re like me, you’ll need more than a year; you’ll need several. And each time you sit, focus on your breath and just how your body feels -- exactly where is all that pain centered and what does it do to your body? Can you locate it? Can you stick with it? Where does all that pain go? Where is it actually? Is it changing? Yes. Is it shifting? Yes. Is it constant and steady? No. Is it transforming itself each time you actually sit and focus on it? Yes. Envision yourself dead - a sitting corpse, rotting away, a pile of bones and sinew, vulture fodder. Something for others to miss. Something for others to lament over. Something for others to burn or bury. Where is the pain now? Where are you now? Have you forgotten self yet? How does it feel? Imagine that this is your very last opportunity to sit with yourself wanting to die this way. Allow yourself to go there. Go there again. Feel the differences each time you go there. Feel the emptiness. Feel the impermanence. Just let go and breathe it all in. Breath it all out.

If you’re still into this, you’re doing fine. The thing to remember is that you can’t bring someone along with you. You’re on your own. Keep up the good work, and remember there is no wrong way to die by mind. With enough practice, you’re either going to come out of this a very lovely corpse, or you’re going to find yourself still very much alive and looking forward to change. If you do come out of this as one of the living, then it is your time -- time to look outside of yourself and see others, very much like yourself, out there waiting for you to emerge and engage.